Thursday, October 27, 2016

Estas Triste?

Thoughts before writing ANYTHING on this blog:

who cares if my writing is full of grammar mistakes and makes no sense?

who cares if i use run ons and forget to place proper punctuation in my sentences?

why am i so concerned about what people care? WHY DO I HAVE A PUBLIC BLOG?

I really have don't have the answers to those questions, I wish I did sometimes. I remember when I used to write carelessly without looking to if it made sense. Now that I am 24, writing is something that should be done well, or else future employers can look it up and see what a mess you did with the English language. At my age, people are out there writing legitimate articles and BOOKS, granted, these books may not be very good, but they're still writing stuff that is seen by millions. It's like I have all of these thoughts in my head and I don't know how to get them out, writing seems to help. Especially when I'm sad, oh how the writing flows when I am sad.

DRAMATIC MUCH? yes, its in my blood. I'm Latina, remember? We're known for that.

So now that I think of it why not talk about sadness. YES, lets talk about sadness. Why are we taught so often to shun sadness away from our life? Why are people so scared of it? It's not like it is a bad thing, on the contrary, sadness is so incredibly beautiful. Whether we like it or not, its a part of our emotional makeup and to not embrace it would be to reject a part of who we are. Society has this weird obsession with being happy, dedicating a whole industry to it. Self help-this, lets fix-that. Everything is about positive thoughts and happy thinking, I'm sort of starting to get a little tired of it. Am I depressed? No. Am I a misanthrope? Of course not. But to say that I never get sad would be utter and complete bullshit. EVERYONE gets sad and everyone experiences those aching feelings of heartache and misunderstanding. Does it hurt, yeah of course, but when I sulk in it, even if its just for a little bit, a part of me releases things that aren't meant to be stored within me. More than catharsis, feelings of sorrow, anxiety, and heartache are meant to be ever-flowing, moving consistently through us according the situations outside of us, just like happiness. Emotions are meant to be fleeting, temporary, staying for periods of time until the next emotion is ready to come on to us full force. Why are we taught to treat this emotion differently? Why shouldn't we feel it deep within us? Why should we instead look for ways on how to get rid of it, or cope with it, or reject it in its entirety?

Maybe it's because I'm currently sad.

Maybe it's because sulking in this sadness has allowed me to feel things i haven't felt in a while. Emotions you simply cannot feel when you're "happy". Write things you cannot write when you are "floating through the clouds in love". Sadness is so beautiful and so melancholy and so vital to our existence. Next time you feel it, dont tell it to go away. Embrace those uncomfortable tingles and let it pass just like any other emotion.

You'll feel better, I promise.

& if you're down to listen to some sad tunes and embrace your inner melancholic, here's my "suelta & siente" playlist. You're welcome.

- Stef

image via  Antonio Alfarroba

Monday, October 3, 2016

The attention span of a 15 year old scrolling through Instagram that deems a 30 second  BuzzfeedTasty recipe video, TOO LONG. THAT is where I'm at folks, at least my attention span that is.

Goddammit, where and when have I lost all sense of focus and direction!? I mean I am 24 years old for crying out loud, my attention span should not be that of a prepubescent teen whose complete childhood has revolved around technology products that start with a lowercase i. But nonetheless, here I am with 9 tabs open on my internet browser and google searches after every thought that pops into my mind. Hence this tangled mess of searches that went over a span of 10 minutes...

- Looking up "Upper Paleolithic" for school
     -Remembering I had a stray chin hair, so i googled that.
        -Wondered why we had hair in the first place, googled YT video on that
          -Had this video in my recommended feed featuring Nathan Kress from iCarly
            -Watched it, then realized I used to love iCarly so i googled that
              -Googled all the cast members and ended on a wedding video
                 -Remembered i want to plan a wedding so I googled a venue
                     - Had an ad appear for some flats which I proceeded to search for online
                         -Had a Hilary Clinton pop up message which then prompted me to look up the latest
                           Trump scandal...which then had me...
                             -Looking up Alicia Machado, stalk her twitter & IG
                               -Which for some reason sparked a thought in my brain regarding Univision
                                  -Which reminded me of "Despierta America"
                                     - Upper Paleolithic who?!
See what I mean?

I don't get it. I mean, is this a product of the day and age we live in? <---was that just me trying to blame my own lack of focus on "technology"? Either way, when there is no focus, nothing gets done. I'm noticing how I am a bouncing ball of intentions but no actions. My old friend procrastination is starting to look like a better acquaintance now. Which now that I think of, I should probably get back to researching Upper Paleolithic, I have an assignment due in 2 days and haven't started. AT ALL.

Guess my old friend really hasn't gone away too far after all huh? Ahhhh procrastination, you have never been so comforting.


Thursday, January 21, 2016

La Niña Reaparece

In my favoritest of places EVER. Zion National Park, UT. Observation Point Hike. 

I've been stuck in a writing rut. The kind that sticks and doesn't want to go away cause its too damn cold outside and the rest of the world seems like an empty shell for the hollowness that is everything else. The kind of writing rut that laser beams ideas and thoughts in brain space but when it's finally time to land them to reality they just don't ever seem that great. The kind of writing rut that is comfortable within the walls of a private journal but to afraid to show its face on the internet cause you know....criticism. Not that it matters anyways cause I really have no clue if anyone ever comes on here and reads these ramblings of mine that make no sense. Cause at the end of the day, it is my literal brain vomit spilling onto a keyboard converting itself into half ass sentences and thoughts to form what some might call a "blog post." But really guys, when did fear become so ubiquitous in me writing out my emotions and feelings and sharing it with the internet? Maybe its because I've met people over the course of this year that seem so smart and educated and their writing is so eloquent that it makes mine look like shit. For example, i have this professor friend, he is a composition GOD. DIOS i tell you. Ive read some of his things and damn, speechless. Or like my coworker slash friend who's proclamation writing flows smoother than the (vegan) butter i used on my toast this morning.

Oh yeah i'm vegan now. I mean, guys, i hate labels. I really do. Telling people I'm vegan sends a little shiver up my spine cause it places me in this metaphorical box that often associated with patchouli and rabbit food like lunches. But if you have to put a name on it, its Vegan, and its going pretty great. More on that later. Yeah?

So where were we? Oh yeah, my writing. I've you've read this blog long enough you would already know that punctuation is used sparingly, run-ons are frequent visitors (like that one guy at your local bar), and grammar is literally non existent. But you know what? I convince myself that it's okay because i want my "voice" to go through my writing, as if you were talking to a friend. Shitty excuse, yes I know, but whatever. Makes me sound like I know what I'm doing. So what now? Where to from here?

Well it's 2016 fam. We made it. Where the hell did 2015 even go? At the same time though 2015 felt like a fucking E-TER-NITY. It was a good year, a long year. A year of healing and reconnecting. One of expansion and commodity at the same time. I had really incredible and amazing things happen to me this year. I met people that taught me and have left a piece of who they are in my story. & of course I've had those moments where I just wanted to stop everything, give up, and cry at home while listening to Interpol. What will 2016 hold? Who knows. I've felt a little unmotivated the last few months, the cold tends to do that to me. All i know is the sun is peeking itself more frequently now and it makes me so happy. This was a pointless update, however, felt really therapeutic. I felt in my zone again. Writing rambles and thoughts for people to read if they feel like it. It's weird cause if you were to look at my edits, there are tons of unfinished essays and posts and pictures that i just dont ever finish or actually post. Pero no importa, el dia sigue y la vida es corta. A mi me hace feliz escribir y eso es lo que hare.

Gracias por siempre estar aqui. Por mandarme mensajes de vez en cuando. For sending me those tweets to update this forgotten paradise which i call my second home. I've come back and staying for good.