Tuesday, August 19, 2014
August 18th. Oh how this day will be forever engrained in my mind as the day it all finally clicked and made sense. It was a rather monumental day of sorts for me. Full of realizations, ironic feels, and hard truths that I have managed to run away from for quite some time. It's like all those pesky circumstances called in a conference meeting and decided that August 18th was going to be the day they finally all show up at my doorstep and present themselves in the hard reality that they are. "Why show up one at a time, when we can soften the blow by bringing it in all at once?" they must have discussed. & so they knocked...at different times, but within hours of each other they knocked. It was refreshing, as I haven't experienced harsh reality in a while (since I am usually a very happy and content person anyways). Harsh reality is best served when you least expect it, it tends to have more of a chilling effect. Your senses numbed to what the events but completely aware of the icy feel that runs through the skin.
What are these harsh realities you ask? Maybe I've been naïve to ever realize them, since the optimist in me usually conquers any feelings of wrong doing. Giving the benefit of the doubt to people who really don't need it because they have been clear in their message.
I realized that just because I care and love someone, it doesn't mean they'll care and love me back.
I was reminded that things change, circumstances morph, and things are ultimately always temporary. The person you thought you might have known at one time may not be the same person you now see or talk to. For better or worse, people change and it's okay if they don't want you in their life anymore, as a friend, companion, or anything else. IT'S OKAY.
I realized people can be mean and people can and will hurt me. Intentionally or not.
These people do not care about you, these people do not have your best intentions in mind. People who love and care about you will hurt you but with love. They will guide you gently towards what you need to hear and not what you want to hear, with undeniable love. They might cause pain but it will be because they are cleansing your wounds, pouring alcohol and mending it to heal. They will never be the cause of a wound, slashing, or pain.
I realized I don't have to be mean to people who have hurt me.
It's human nature, revenge and vengeance is what we want to do when people hurt us. Someone exposes us to pain and our immediate response is to reciprocate the pain so they can feel what we feel. I've realized that this doesn't solve anything and it actually causes you to stumble as a person. Bringing that negativity to your life and those feelings only hinder you as a human being. I was reminded that hurt people, hurt people and that it sometimes has nothing to do with you, so there is no point in causing them pain. It only reflects who you are as a person and I choose to be a person who forgives, lets go, and isn't stuck on the behaviors of others.
I realized that I sometimes hurt people.
& because of this, I should focus on this instead of the things people have done to me. I know the pain of a wound and the last thing I want to do is be the cause of that same pain to somebody else. Sometimes we have to do what we need to do and in the process we hurt people without even realizing it. If these relationships really mean something to me it is in my power to try and mend them.
I realized that it's okay to back away.
Not everyone is meant to be in your life. Not everyone is going to stay there forever. Be grateful, appreciative, and keep the good memories with you, for at that time they were beautiful in their state.
I realized there is so much beauty around me and I am in charge of what I focus on.
So here's a story...the story of that picture right up there. I was driving and the weather straight ahead of me was dark, gloomy, and gray. A thunderstorm was rolling in and boy was it a mean one. I was driving, dreading the possible rain that might come in since I was not home and my window currently doesn't roll up (you can imagine the problems). I kept driving, feeling a little down and then it happened. I looked over to the left and the most carefully painted, watercolored sunset was setting right before me. Hues of blue and purple, mixed with tinges of pink and orange, it was truly spectacular. Everything intertwined so effortlessly, the sun; a fiery ball of red hiding behind the cotton candy-like clouds. Rays of light peeked through the gloom and touched the face of the mountains below. It was stunning. So stunning that I snapped a picture as I was driving (reason why it's so blurry) because I didn't want to miss it. To be honest, the picture doesn't even do it's justice. It was one of the most amazing sunsets I had seen in a very long time...all while a thunderstorm and gray gloomy clouds rolled up in front of me. I decided to drive towards the sunset, changing my route and my scenery. I no longer saw the gray, I no longer saw the thunderstorms, and even though I knew they were there, I chose to focus on the stunning sunset that was setting before my eyes. Because how could I focus on the gray when this magical work of art was being created right in front of me? How could I not change my focus, my direction, my energy? It would be foolish not to do so.
& then I realized. How could I not focus on all the beauty that is around me? On all the people that I so desperately love and who loved me back? My mother, siblings, family, friends, coworkers, etc. All the amazing opportunities that are before me? It's all a majestic sunset and its setting before me. I choose to focus on the watercolored beauty that is around me instead of focusing on the gloom that is in front of me. Cause sometimes we're not always meant to go straight ahead. Sometimes we have to deviate and look to where we see the color, even if it's not where we had intended in going. <3 Look to the sunset, because it would be foolish not do so.