Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Sunset Rain


August 18th. Oh how this day will be forever engrained in my mind as the day it all finally clicked and made sense. It was a rather monumental day of sorts for me. Full of realizations, ironic feels, and hard truths that I have managed to run away from for quite some time. It's like all those pesky circumstances called in a conference meeting and decided that August 18th was going to be the day they finally all show up at my doorstep and present themselves in the hard reality that they are. "Why show up one at a time, when we can soften the blow by bringing it in all at once?" they must have discussed. & so they knocked...at different times, but within hours of each other they knocked. It was refreshing, as I haven't experienced harsh reality in a while (since I am usually a very happy and content person anyways). Harsh reality is best served when you least expect it, it tends to have more of a chilling effect. Your senses numbed to what the events but completely aware of the icy feel that runs through the skin.

What are these harsh realities you ask? Maybe I've been na├»ve to ever realize them, since the optimist in me usually conquers any feelings of wrong doing. Giving the benefit of the doubt to people who really don't need it because they have been clear in their message.

I realized that just because I care and love someone, it doesn't mean they'll care and love me back.

I was reminded that things change, circumstances morph, and things are ultimately always temporary. The person you thought you might have known at one time may not be the same person you now see or talk to. For better or worse, people change and it's okay if they don't want you in their life anymore, as a friend, companion, or anything else. IT'S OKAY.

I realized people can be mean and people can and will hurt me. Intentionally or not.

These people do not care about you, these people do not have your best intentions in mind. People who love and care about you will hurt you but with love. They will guide you gently towards what you need to hear and not what you want to hear, with undeniable love. They might cause pain but it will be because they are cleansing your wounds, pouring alcohol and mending it to heal. They will never be the cause of a wound, slashing, or pain.

I realized I don't have to be mean to people who have hurt me.

It's human nature, revenge and vengeance is what we want to do when people hurt us. Someone exposes us to pain and our immediate response is to reciprocate the pain so they can feel what we feel. I've realized that this doesn't solve anything and it actually causes you to stumble as a person. Bringing that negativity to your life and those feelings only hinder you as a human being. I was reminded that hurt people, hurt people and that it sometimes has nothing to do with you, so there is no point in causing them pain. It only reflects who you are as a person and I choose to be a person who forgives, lets go, and isn't stuck on the behaviors of others.

I realized that I sometimes hurt people.

& because of this, I should focus on this instead of the things people have done to me. I know the pain of a wound and the last thing I want to do is be the cause of that same pain to somebody else. Sometimes we have to do what we need to do and in the process we hurt people without even realizing it. If these relationships really mean something to me it is in my power to try and mend them.

I realized that it's okay to back away.

Not everyone is meant to be in your life. Not everyone is going to stay there forever. Be grateful, appreciative, and keep the good memories with you, for at that time they were beautiful in their state.

I realized there is so much beauty around me and I am in charge of what I focus on.

So here's a story...the story of that picture right up there. I was driving and the weather straight ahead of me was dark, gloomy, and gray. A thunderstorm was rolling in and boy was it a mean one. I was driving, dreading the possible rain that might come in since I was not home and my window currently doesn't roll up (you can imagine the problems). I kept driving, feeling a little down and then it happened. I looked over to the left and the most carefully painted, watercolored sunset was setting right before me. Hues of blue and purple, mixed with tinges of pink and orange, it was truly spectacular. Everything intertwined so effortlessly, the sun; a fiery ball of red hiding behind the cotton candy-like clouds. Rays of light peeked through the gloom and touched the face of the mountains below. It was stunning. So stunning that I snapped a picture as I was driving (reason why it's so blurry) because I didn't want to miss it. To be honest, the picture doesn't even do it's justice. It was one of the most amazing sunsets I had seen in a very long time...all while a thunderstorm and gray gloomy clouds rolled up in front of me. I decided to drive towards the sunset, changing my route and my scenery. I no longer saw the gray, I no longer saw the thunderstorms, and even though I knew they were there, I chose to focus on the stunning sunset that was setting before my eyes. Because how could I focus on the gray when this magical work of art was being created right in front of me? How could I not change my focus, my direction, my energy? It would be foolish not to do so.

& then I realized. How could I not focus on all the beauty that is around me? On all the people that I so desperately love and who loved me back? My mother, siblings, family, friends, coworkers, etc. All the amazing opportunities that are before me? It's all a majestic sunset and its setting before me. I choose to focus on the watercolored beauty that is around me instead of focusing on the gloom that is in front of me. Cause sometimes we're not always meant to go straight ahead. Sometimes we have to deviate and look to where we see the color, even if it's not where we had intended in going. <3 Look to the sunset, because it would be foolish not do so.

Stef

Saturday, August 16, 2014

A Shake Story





This is what happens when my mom leaves me the Nutrition Club all to myself. Herbalife Shake Magic...yassssss!

Monday, August 11, 2014

Redeveloping the Greyfield Land

A journal, a park, & some good melancholic music. All I'll ever need.

As it shows, my devotion to this space as a personal blog has fallen a little by the wayside, only writing every once in a full moon (literally. did you see that thing last night!?). My lack of interest for expressing my personal thoughts on here has not been because I have let go of writing itself, but rather have been enjoying keeping it within the confinement of my journal instead. I've always been a believer of writing in a notebook, lately however, I've been carrying it with me everywhere I go in case a spur of the moment idea or thought decides to stop by. This has been therapeutic for me, allowing me to release all of my emotions on paper, instead of contemplating them with aimless car rides and melancholic music. Although, releasing all those emotions serves really good at the gym, especially when those emotions are of anger or motivation. Today I decided to take a trip to the park during my lunch break, to get some inspiration from mother nature herself. I placed down my yoga mat in the perfect spot (always carry your yoga mat in your car guys! They serve good as blankets in lieu of one) and let nature take its course on me. It's truly magical what being outdoors can do to you while trying to write. The air fills my lungs with gratitude for what no man can create and the sun produces in me happy balanced feels of all kinds. I usually don't have anything in mind when I decide to take some time to fully focus on scribbling in my yellow Moleskine, but the minute I let my mind pause itself and take a few deep breathes, all the melancholic, happy, bittersweet, amazing thoughts rush in. Things/instances/stories that have been on my mind lately....

The Kite Story
I have a kite. I never owned a kite as a child and flew it for the first time in April. This kite that I have has a deep emotional significance to me and I always carry it in the trunk of my car in case the weather seems dandy and I feel inspired to take it out. On my way to the park, I got the urge and decided that I was going to fly it since the day was nice and although gloomy in a sense, it wasn't that bad. Once I got out of my car I realized that there was no significant wind blowing, adding some challenge to the deed. I figured I would have to work double to get it to go and for it to stay up, so my eagerness to fly it started to decrease significantly. Then I started to think...hey! that's a lot like life. A lot like what I am facing right this moment, right this season.

There is no freaking wind. Not a breeze can be felt.

& then it hit me....It shouldn't matter. That shouldn't stop me from wanting to do what I want to do. Life won't always have a nice breeze to coast me along. Sometimes the air will be completely paralyzed and I will have to learn to jumpstart my kite regardless. Running faster, harder, more determined. It was such an 'aha' moment for me. So what did I do? I ran my ass and flew my kite....and boy was it glorious.

Learning to Appreciate Experiences
Alright, so I'm 22. Right at that age when you start to contemplate adult decisions and situations with a mentality that is still outgrowing itself from years of rebellion and confusion. I know, lucky me. However, considering this, I am learning to appreciate my experiences, good AND bad, am finally realizing that it is these experiences that make me who I am. I've decided to be grateful, to be happy, and to take a learning caption out of everything, no matter how painful it might have been.
 
Detaching People From Songs
So we are all guilty of this. Associating people, feelings, situations, or places to songs that we listen to, regardless of what we feel. I mean it's almost impossible not to ingrain something while listening to a tune of some sorts. For example, Lana Del Rey reminds me of my old house and driving a blue mustang, whenever I hear Robbie Williams' "Tripping" I think of brother, and I can't help but feel sad when hearing a certain Interpol song. I usually have no issues with this, since it's a part of the magic that comes with music itself, being able to bring memories back with the hear of single note. But what happens when music you love, long before, has latched on itself to a painful or heart wrenching situation? Frustration. Lots of it.
 
I absolutely love this band. Not a superfan by any means, but discovering this band has been revolutionary to my music world. Reminding me of feelings of carefree times and rebellious days. However, it wasn't until a recent someone (that I grew very close to) showed me their intense love for this band, that I gained a new appreciating for their music and their sound as a whole. He transformed the way I listened to them and the way I deconstructed their lyrics and meanings. This in turn, caused me to create a heavy (HEAVY) association between the band and him. Since our friendship dwindled and I was left with great feelings of sadness and ambivalence, I stopped listening to them ever since since bringing back those feelings of bittersweet nostalgia didn't do me any good.
 
With that backstory laid out, you can assume what I started to feel when I heard the news that they would be coming to town. I couldn't resist buying tickets even though I had just seen them perform not that long ago, not really caring for the fact that I couldn't even hear this band without breaking into deep melancholy. Although I'm still working on these feelings, I'm pretty set on unfastening any kind of emotional connection I might have and going back to loving their music for being so.
Taking things slow
I'm appreciating the slow pace of things, ya know? Cause I mean, why rush? Things will eventually take its course no matter the speed and will fall into place at their time. Yes, there is the impatient clock ticking and yes, we should take full advantage of it. But sometimes it's okay to stroll and enjoy the walk instead of sprinting to the destination. 

 Revenge
I finished all 3 seasons in less than a month. What the fuck is wrong with me? Was it the fact that Aiden was just too darn sexy? Or Nolan's witty lines that kept me hooked? Either way, I'm now waiting till it actually comes back on TV to see where the crazy story line goes next...which reminds me, is Scandal back on?!
 
On Rebuilding...A Self Discovery Project
I have been working on something for the last week or so and I'm pretty excited about it and can't wait till it's completed to show you all. Going back to my roots, my essence, and being are all what it's about. I'll have a whole post about it soon, but will leave you with this. At one point or another, due to life situations, circumstances, or lack of; we become greyfield land. Not always a temporary state of being, but nonetheless, we sometimes end up in it. The things is, even though it might not seem like it, being or feeling like a greyfield land is more than despair and lost hope. It is a canvas, an opportunity, a place to rebuild. Here's a definition of what a greyfield land is, straight from a construction website. The metaphor in it is so magical that it speaks for itself.
 
"Greyfield land is real estate or land which is underutilized, typically producing far less revenue than it would if properly managed. It can take a variety of forms. Often, it includes buildings which are obsolete or poorly maintained. While the real estate might have once well well-utilized, over time the land has been allowed to depreciate; the buildings may be poorly maintained, tenant turnover rates may go up, and the infrastructure of the site may be allowed to decay.
 
If you're feeling like a GF (as I am right now), remember this...
 
Developers often see greyfield land as an opportunity. In the right hands, such land could potentially become very profitable if taken over."