Monday, July 9, 2012

My Take On [Toxic Friends]

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Happy Monday Beautiful People! Hope you are having a wonderful start to another amazing week! So considering that I took pictures of my weekend adventures I wanted today's post to be just about that. However, I didn't get a chance to upload the pics and I really wanted to put something up today. So today shall be like a little chat of things that have been running through my mind lately. You know, situations that this crazy life throws at you. Lately, that situation has been dealing and getting rid of a particular toxic friend. So brace yourself, cause this seems more like a diary post LOL.


Adj.toxic - of or relating to or caused by a toxin or poison; "suffering from exposure to toxic substances"
harmful - causing or capable of causing harm; "too much sun is harmful to the skin"; "harmful effects of smoking"
unhealthful - detrimental to good health; "unhealthful air pollution"; "unhealthful conditions in old apartments with peeling lead-based paint"
noxious - injurious to physical or mental health; "noxious chemical wastes"; "noxious ideas"
 
 
Thankfully, I've had very few friendships that can be considered "detrimental",to say the least. However, with that said, they are never fun to deal with. Realizing when you're in one of these relationships is really the first step one needs to take when trying to solve the problem. This can be pretty hard at first, considering that you most likely have good reasons as to why you friends with this person in the first place.

For example; I had a friend (who I will call TF [toxic friend]) who I genuinely considered someone important to me at one point, who I grew up with in my early teens through middle school. We became apart, going our own ways as she started to get involved in other things, however, reunited a couple of years later. We started to cultivate a friendship, but for some reason stopped talking and never really ever heard from her again. A few years later after that we met again through Facebook and started to pick up the pieces. She let me know she was deeply hurt by how I left her and our friendship, and never made an effort to help her out. This unfortunately always lingered with me. However, I was excited to once again rebuild our friendship, considering we were both adults who have somehow matured. She was funny, caring, and laughed at the same stupid stuff that I would laugh at. She was a great friend. HOWEVER, I found that all these great qualities that she had, seemed to be overruled  by a massive wave of self pity, unnecessary drama, and negativity. All we ever seemed to talk about was her lack of happiness, her lost dreams,  unstable marriage, and gossip about everyone else. She would constantly let me know how unhappy she was with her life and how she went about things. I could tell she had a desperately low self esteem and found comfort in my way of "consoling her" in her dire needs. I would give her advice, try to show her God's word and tell her about His grace. I tried to motivate her, would try to make her realize how blessed she was. She however would always refuse this, bringing up another excuse to not change her situation  I felt as If she LIKED living in this horrible state of self pity, like she liked the attention she got from it. I also sensed that she expected me to be this kind of super woman best friend that would ALWAYS be there for her no matter what. Someone who would find the time to feel sorry for her and her "unfair life" as I often took it as. Of course, at the time, I kept convincing myself that all she needed was a good friend.

So I kept at it... I kept going merely because I felt guilty. I felt guilty at the fact that I had left her before and had stopped talking to her in the past. She threw this in my face once and ever since, subconsciously always lingered within me. I felt guilty  that I had come back into her life full force becoming some kind of crutch for her to hold onto so she could "get through" her difficult life and I couldn't just end the friendship like that. However, I set this feeling aside, and kept our friendship at bay. Things started to happen with me, good changes in my life that prevented me to see her as often. This is when things started to come to light. As I was spending less time with her I started to realize how GREAT I felt without her in my life. I didn't carry all that negative sludge that I would feel after I would see her. I felt happy, at ease, and peaceful! I started to spend time with friends who had were excited about life and God's amazing plan for them. We would talk about life but wouldn't let that be the center of our friendship. We would have a great time without talking about other people. I started to hang around people who made ME BETTER. That's when I realized that I didn't need someone like her (the toxic friend) in my life. I had done all I could to make her realize that life is BEAUTIFUL and you can't mope around it feeling sorry for yourself. One can only do so much, and it's ultimately up to them to realize that they are the only ones that can change their situation.


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So how do you deal with these kinds of people?

One of two ways.You let them know or you just slowly cut them off your life. I tend to the latter as I hate confrontation. However, considering the circumstances above, I feel compelled to write a letter. At least so she knows why I made the decisions I made. One thing for sure (at least for me) is, I don't think talking or meeting TF in person is a good idea. Why? Because I know that she will pull the victim card out and make me feel horrible for the decision I made. She will throw in my face all that she once said to me, about me abandoning her. & Frankly I can't let myself be in that position. However, everyone is different.
Don't put up with negative and dramatic people. They will SUCK the life out you. I promise. You will be exhausted, always trying to find a way to console their lives. I realized that those kind of people, bring that unto themselves. I, if I chose to, can also have a negative drama filled life, but I don't. I rise above that and immerse myself in God's amazing grace and all the beautiful things he has created. I know that everyone has problems, and as a friend it's sometimes necessary to help one through it, however you'll be able to feel it when it is something chronic and everyday and how it will bring you slowly down.

With all that being said, this doesn't mean I wish TF the worst in life nor does it mean I no longer care for her. No, on the contrary, she is someone I thank for showing me the importance of surrounding yourself with good people. I hope that she can one day realize all the beauty around her. That she would grow from her hardships and learn from them to better herself and her future. I really wish her all the best in whatever she might decide to do going forward. Hoping that she can one day she can set aside all her emotional baggage and embrace all the good in her life. Most of all, I hope that one day she can forgive me and understand my decision and why I made it.


Thanks for listening, have you had a Toxic Friend experience? If so, how did you deal with it?


<3 Stef

4 comments:

  1. Oh, that makes me so mad that she tried to lay a guilt trip on you for "abandoning" her. Communication is a two way street, she could have kept up with you too!
    It's better to rid yourself of people like that, in the end you are not responsible for her well being. She was using you to fill an emotional void that cannot be filled.

    I had a friend like that, and unfortunately I cut her out too late. She pushed away my other friends, trying to make herself my only friend, she almost broke things up between me and my husband (when we were still dating). Luckily he pointed out all she was doing and how she was making me feel responsible for her, and he helped me cut things off with her. I'm so glad he did.

    Hope things go well for you with this "breakup". Don't you dare feel guilty, you have to do what's best for you.
    Tara

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    1. Completely agree, communication is key & it's crucial that both people are on the same page. Thanks for your kind words, they mean a lot! (:

      <3 Stef

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  2. Yes! I've had toxic friends... Thankfully God through life and time has been the one that has removed them from my life.

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