Thursday, October 27, 2016

Estas Triste?


Thoughts before writing ANYTHING on this blog:

who cares if my writing is full of grammar mistakes and makes no sense?

who cares if i use run ons and forget to place proper punctuation in my sentences?

why am i so concerned about what people care? WHY DO I HAVE A PUBLIC BLOG?

I really have don't have the answers to those questions, I wish I did sometimes. I remember when I used to write carelessly without looking to if it made sense. Now that I am 24, writing is something that should be done well, or else future employers can look it up and see what a mess you did with the English language. At my age, people are out there writing legitimate articles and BOOKS, granted, these books may not be very good, but they're still writing stuff that is seen by millions. It's like I have all of these thoughts in my head and I don't know how to get them out, writing seems to help. Especially when I'm sad, oh how the writing flows when I am sad.

DRAMATIC MUCH? yes, its in my blood. I'm Latina, remember? We're known for that.

So now that I think of it why not talk about sadness. YES, lets talk about sadness. Why are we taught so often to shun sadness away from our life? Why are people so scared of it? It's not like it is a bad thing, on the contrary, sadness is so incredibly beautiful. Whether we like it or not, its a part of our emotional makeup and to not embrace it would be to reject a part of who we are. Society has this weird obsession with being happy, dedicating a whole industry to it. Self help-this, lets fix-that. Everything is about positive thoughts and happy thinking, I'm sort of starting to get a little tired of it. Am I depressed? No. Am I a misanthrope? Of course not. But to say that I never get sad would be utter and complete bullshit. EVERYONE gets sad and everyone experiences those aching feelings of heartache and misunderstanding. Does it hurt, yeah of course, but when I sulk in it, even if its just for a little bit, a part of me releases things that aren't meant to be stored within me. More than catharsis, feelings of sorrow, anxiety, and heartache are meant to be ever-flowing, moving consistently through us according the situations outside of us, just like happiness. Emotions are meant to be fleeting, temporary, staying for periods of time until the next emotion is ready to come on to us full force. Why are we taught to treat this emotion differently? Why shouldn't we feel it deep within us? Why should we instead look for ways on how to get rid of it, or cope with it, or reject it in its entirety?

Maybe it's because I'm currently sad.

Maybe it's because sulking in this sadness has allowed me to feel things i haven't felt in a while. Emotions you simply cannot feel when you're "happy". Write things you cannot write when you are "floating through the clouds in love". Sadness is so beautiful and so melancholy and so vital to our existence. Next time you feel it, dont tell it to go away. Embrace those uncomfortable tingles and let it pass just like any other emotion.

You'll feel better, I promise.


& if you're down to listen to some sad tunes and embrace your inner melancholic, here's my "suelta & siente" playlist. You're welcome.



- Stef

image via  Antonio Alfarroba

Monday, October 3, 2016


The attention span of a 15 year old scrolling through Instagram that deems a 30 second  BuzzfeedTasty recipe video, TOO LONG. THAT is where I'm at folks, at least my attention span that is.

Goddammit, where and when have I lost all sense of focus and direction!? I mean I am 24 years old for crying out loud, my attention span should not be that of a prepubescent teen whose complete childhood has revolved around technology products that start with a lowercase i. But nonetheless, here I am with 9 tabs open on my internet browser and google searches after every thought that pops into my mind. Hence this tangled mess of searches that went over a span of 10 minutes...

- Looking up "Upper Paleolithic" for school
     -Remembering I had a stray chin hair, so i googled that.
        -Wondered why we had hair in the first place, googled YT video on that
          -Had this video in my recommended feed featuring Nathan Kress from iCarly
            -Watched it, then realized I used to love iCarly so i googled that
              -Googled all the cast members and ended on a wedding video
                 -Remembered i want to plan a wedding so I googled a venue
                     - Had an ad appear for some flats which I proceeded to search for online
                         -Had a Hilary Clinton pop up message which then prompted me to look up the latest
                           Trump scandal...which then had me...
                             -Looking up Alicia Machado, stalk her twitter & IG
                               -Which for some reason sparked a thought in my brain regarding Univision
                                  -Which reminded me of "Despierta America"
                                     - Upper Paleolithic who?!
See what I mean?

I don't get it. I mean, is this a product of the day and age we live in? <---was that just me trying to blame my own lack of focus on "technology"? Either way, when there is no focus, nothing gets done. I'm noticing how I am a bouncing ball of intentions but no actions. My old friend procrastination is starting to look like a better acquaintance now. Which now that I think of, I should probably get back to researching Upper Paleolithic, I have an assignment due in 2 days and haven't started. AT ALL.

Guess my old friend really hasn't gone away too far after all huh? Ahhhh procrastination, you have never been so comforting.

Stef

Thursday, January 21, 2016

La Niña Reaparece


In my favoritest of places EVER. Zion National Park, UT. Observation Point Hike. 

I've been stuck in a writing rut. The kind that sticks and doesn't want to go away cause its too damn cold outside and the rest of the world seems like an empty shell for the hollowness that is everything else. The kind of writing rut that laser beams ideas and thoughts in brain space but when it's finally time to land them to reality they just don't ever seem that great. The kind of writing rut that is comfortable within the walls of a private journal but to afraid to show its face on the internet cause you know....criticism. Not that it matters anyways cause I really have no clue if anyone ever comes on here and reads these ramblings of mine that make no sense. Cause at the end of the day, it is my literal brain vomit spilling onto a keyboard converting itself into half ass sentences and thoughts to form what some might call a "blog post." But really guys, when did fear become so ubiquitous in me writing out my emotions and feelings and sharing it with the internet? Maybe its because I've met people over the course of this year that seem so smart and educated and their writing is so eloquent that it makes mine look like shit. For example, i have this professor friend, he is a composition GOD. DIOS i tell you. Ive read some of his things and damn, speechless. Or like my coworker slash friend who's proclamation writing flows smoother than the (vegan) butter i used on my toast this morning.

Oh yeah i'm vegan now. I mean, guys, i hate labels. I really do. Telling people I'm vegan sends a little shiver up my spine cause it places me in this metaphorical box that often associated with patchouli and rabbit food like lunches. But if you have to put a name on it, its Vegan, and its going pretty great. More on that later. Yeah?

So where were we? Oh yeah, my writing. I've you've read this blog long enough you would already know that punctuation is used sparingly, run-ons are frequent visitors (like that one guy at your local bar), and grammar is literally non existent. But you know what? I convince myself that it's okay because i want my "voice" to go through my writing, as if you were talking to a friend. Shitty excuse, yes I know, but whatever. Makes me sound like I know what I'm doing. So what now? Where to from here?

Well it's 2016 fam. We made it. Where the hell did 2015 even go? At the same time though 2015 felt like a fucking E-TER-NITY. It was a good year, a long year. A year of healing and reconnecting. One of expansion and commodity at the same time. I had really incredible and amazing things happen to me this year. I met people that taught me and have left a piece of who they are in my story. & of course I've had those moments where I just wanted to stop everything, give up, and cry at home while listening to Interpol. What will 2016 hold? Who knows. I've felt a little unmotivated the last few months, the cold tends to do that to me. All i know is the sun is peeking itself more frequently now and it makes me so happy. This was a pointless update, however, felt really therapeutic. I felt in my zone again. Writing rambles and thoughts for people to read if they feel like it. It's weird cause if you were to look at my edits, there are tons of unfinished essays and posts and pictures that i just dont ever finish or actually post. Pero no importa, el dia sigue y la vida es corta. A mi me hace feliz escribir y eso es lo que hare.

Gracias por siempre estar aqui. Por mandarme mensajes de vez en cuando. For sending me those tweets to update this forgotten paradise which i call my second home. I've come back and staying for good.

Stef

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Organize, Fight, Win


 
"Fast food workers in NY just won a $15/hr wage.
I’m a paramedic. My job requires a broad set of skills: interpersonal, medical, and technical skills, as well as the crucial skill of performing under pressure. I often make decisions on my own, in seconds, under chaotic circumstances, that impact people’s health and lives. I make $15/hr.
And these burger flippers think they deserve as much as me?
Good for them.
Look, if any job is going to take up someone’s life, it deserves a living wage. If a job exists and you have to hire someone to do it, they deserve a living wage. End of story. There’s a lot of talk going around my workplace along the lines of, “These guys with no education and no skills think they deserve as much as us? Fuck those guys.” And elsewhere on FB: “I’m a licensed electrician, I make $13/hr, fuck these burger flippers.”
And that’s exactly what the bosses want! They want us fighting over who has the bigger pile of crumbs so we don’t realize they made off with almost the whole damn cake. Why are you angry about fast food workers making two bucks more an hour when your CEO makes four hundred TIMES what you do? It’s in the bosses’ interests to keep your anger directed downward, at the poor people who are just trying to get by, like you, rather than at the rich assholes who consume almost everything we produce and give next to nothing for it.
My company, as they’re so fond of telling us in boosterish emails, cleared 1.3 billion dollars last year. They expect guys supporting families on 26-27k/year to applaud that. And that’s to say nothing of the techs and janitors and cashiers and bed pushers who make even less than us, but are as absolutely crucial to making a hospital work as the fucking CEO or the neurosurgeons. Can they pay us more? Absolutely. But why would they? No one’s making them.
The workers in NY *made* them. They fought for and won a living wage. So how incredibly petty and counterproductive is it to fuss that their pile of crumbs is bigger than ours? Put that energy elsewhere. Organize. Fight. Win. "

-Jens Rushing

Thursday, June 18, 2015

You Choose


You choose what you love, what you dedicate yourself to.
YOU.
You can let others choose for you, but in the end you're still choosing.
Whether its something you wanted or not, is up to you.
So choose what makes you happy.
Give your whole heart to it, everything.
Don't stop, and don't let others tell you, you shouldn't.
Immerse yourself wholeheartedly and do not ever think that it's not possible.
Choose those things that make you smile.
The ones that fill your soul with greatness and humility.
The simple things
The complex things
Choose happiness Fany.
Choose light. BE light.
Because you can ALWAYS choose the good things.
& when there is no good to be chosen, BE the good.

Be everything you know you can be.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Tunnel Vision


"EVERY SINGLE THING
that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come."
 
Gosh this couldn't be any closer to the truth. Every thing, circumstance, problem, person, situation prepares you for what is to come. As part of society, I firmly believe that we are constantly growing whether we go with it or not, whether we actively seek it or just let it happen naturally, we are always changing, transforming.
 
I'm so in love with change, with the evolution of the soul and the effervescence of self discovery. It's like this warp that sucks you in and fills your lungs of such vivacity that you slowly start to realize you cannot live without it.
 
& when things come at you, like they've been coming at me for the past couple of months, things start piecing together, like parts of a puzzle. Things start to make sense and you get that "AHA!" moment with a slight smirk because you realize that things had to happen the way they did.
 
Am I losing you yet?
 
Lets put it this way....you go through something really hard, difficult, confusing, frustrating, that at the moment you are going through it, it makes no sense as to why this horrible or confusing this is happening to you. It doesn't make sense how of  ALL people, YOU are the one having to feel so alone, confused, sad, angry, stressed out, ect. You thought you were doing everything right, and BAM this happens out of nowhere. You feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel sorta thing and you slowly start to give up hope that things will ever be better.
 
BUT STOP.
 
Cause you know what? That feeling, of emptiness, of sadness, of frustration and utterless confusion, it will go away. It will pass, it will serve its purpose even if it at the moment it's not that way.
 
& as time goes by I realize and can testify to this more and more. It's true...everything that happens, every single thing is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come. A moment that you don't see coming, but when it does you will understand in all its glory that it was it. THAT WAS YOUR MOMENT. Whether it was a second chance or a way to mentally prepare yourself for said situation, all of that darkness is suddenly transformed into light and you realize that all of which you went through really wasn't in vain.
 
Example; I messed up real bad with a certain friendship...like REALLY bad. I constantly beat myself over it pondering on the "what ifs" and "if I wouldn't have". I found myself wondering what could have happened if I simply didn't mess it up as bad as I did. Then some time later, a similar situation came back into my life, and almost the exact same thing started to unfold. (It was pretty crazy actually) However, since I had experienced what it was to take the other route and what could happen I I knew what NOT to do. & gosh was that amazing. That feeling of knowing that the darkness I went through had to happen so I could appreciate THIS moment.
 
IT was so glorious. So DAMN GLORIOUS.
 
Because I realized I had to lose THAT friend to appreciate THIS friend. That the other person was sort of an offering for this other one, in a morbid kind of way.
 
And countless other examples that just leave me in awe. Leave me thinking,
 
"I get it...I totally get it. & knowing I had to go through what I went through good & bad to get to this point...and it's all so worth it."
 
So don't take for granted those dark times.
Without dark times we cannot appreciate the days full of light.
Don't take for granted the process.
For without the process we cannot appreciate the end result.
Enjoy them, even if you find yourself amidst a puddle of confusion and salty tears.
 
Because one day it will be just a memory and it will be what propels you to a better tomorrow.
 
Unless you like the darkness and prefer to be lazy and stay there or are an idiot and don't learn from mistakes and past situations...there is no help in that. & that's up to oneself too.
 
/end
 
but not before you listen to this...it has that good feel effect. Lyrics are cool too.
 

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

CIF, CIK

Thoughts I wrote about the way a song makes me feel. Words that only really make sense to me.  Written as I listened to it, letting the nostalgia seep deep into my soul.

Self destroy or self discovery?
Not really sure.
I tend to discover myself in the pit of nostalgia and I'm not certain why.
When I listen to it my heart wrenches and is transported to the tears of another world.
I feel like it wasn't even real, it was all so surreal.
Images of those come to mind and I question the reality of events.
My body tingles and my body resists giving in because It knows the emptiness that lies before.
& it fades in the everlonging of the "what if."
& I play it again.
Self destroy or self discovery?
Coming to terms, accepting.. way past that point.
Knowing only what I know, memories of streets and faded stares of infinity.
Giving me only what I know, like a psychedelic high, a dream which at one point was.
Words that flowed like honey onto the surface of my skin.
Lamp posts that shone with the sunrise and the feeling of no tomorrow.
There was only the warp of your voice and your hands that seemed to intertwine with my mind.
The comfort of knowing that one day it would all go away
Dreading the day in which the fickle feeling would find another home.
Living in what is, a dark shining memory you shall be, my blood wondering if we'll ever meet again.
Bricks and skylines and everything else we said was ours.
Embraces and strands of long everlasting hours.

It fades. It fades. fades. fades. fades.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Finding My Spiritual Haven

 
I finally had a chance to get out of the city guys! Finally! A trip all for myself, for me to enjoy in all its entirety. This is actually the first time that I DRIVE anywhere on my own as I don't really know why I've never done it (maybe the conviction of having a whole car that can be filled with people to be taken somewhere is what stops me). Zion for me holds a very special place in my heart. It is a place of personal renewing, cleansing, and healing, a place where I can seek refuge when the world has gotten a little "out of whack" for me. No or poor cell phone service, limited shops, and an abundance in nature make it a perfect place to get away. I have been meaning to get myself to the vast and amazing canyons for some time and every time I want to go, it's ALWAYS forecasted to rain. ALWAYS. So I never went. I wanted to go on a day where it was sunny so the sun could caress my face and the rivers could cool me down. How wrong was I to think that the best time to go to Zion was in the hot blistering heat? I decided to go anyways even with the chance of rainstorms and I am so glad that I did. I figured it must be a sign from the Universe as to why I was meant to experience this amazing place in the rain.
 
The meaning of the Rain symbols were very important as water in every form as one of the most vital elements for the sustenance of life. Rain symbols signified renewal, fertility and change. Rain and raindrops were used as symbols to represent plentiful crops. The meaning of the rain clouds was a magical symbol to promote good prospects in the future.
 
 & then I realized that I was SUPPOSED to go in the rain.
My spirit NEEDED the rain.
 
The aroma of change and renewing were on the horizon and this whole time the wondrous universe wanted me to experience it.
 
So I did. In all its amazing glory. I hiked through different pathways, enjoying every single drop of Mother Nature. & it was glorious. SO DAMN GLORIOUS.
 
I sat here next to the river for almost 3 hours, meditating, reading, being one with Mother Earth. Thanking her for all the gifts she has given me and for this new connection that I had made with her during the past year
 
& I was sooo sooo happy. I took some pictures but left the cellphone on the side most of the time as I wanted to be as technology free as I could, after all, it interferes with energy ya know.
 


 
So now I shall call this place, my spiritual haven.
My place of renewal, my place of refuge
My place to be close to the earth and all that pure energy that it has to offer.
My place of gratitude for everything that this universe has given to me.
A place to be one with the essence of my being.
 
A place of love.
 
A place for myself and for my soul to feel peace and tranquility.
 

& I couldn't be anymore happier <3

Friday, May 1, 2015

Dear 7 Year Old Fany

 
 
 
Dear Fany,
You are 7 years old and I can bet you are probably thinking you are the coolest 2nd grader EVER.
Let me tell you, you're right, you ARE the coolest 2nd grader EVER.
You know...all those feelings you have towards Leonardo DiCaprio are totally legit, I don't know if you know what that word means yet, but if you don't just know its the same as "tight". and you shouldn't feel ashamed for reading an obscene amount of Boxcar children & Babysitter's club books instead of playing kickball or foursquare with those other kids. Reading is way cooler anyways, and all those books will eventually get you a lunch with the principal since you climbed your way up in that Accelerated Reading program you love so much.
 
You know something, even though you have that easy going heart of yours, I know that deep down all that changing of elementary schools has left you a little unstable. Having gone to 3 elementary schools in the last few years has left you with incomplete friendships and an apprehension for new beginnings. You don't get too comfortable because you don't know if you will be reaped from your cultivated ground without notice, but don't worry kiddo, it's okay. Just enjoy the moment with those classmates and those teachers that will in some way or another leave their mark in you. Enjoy your time with Ms. Clesen, (at the time you might not know exactly who Monica Lewinsky is but she totally looks like her) and with Monze and Fatima, your best of friends at that time. Don't be worried or sad when you have to move again almost at the end of the year to another school, as it will be the best thing that will happen to you! You'll have Mr. McCormick and Ms Young as you're teachers and they'll show you all sorts of things! They'll teach you how to perfect a dictionary search and how to write in perfect cursive. They have awesome old computers that you'll get to play Oregon Trail on and that will teach you how to convert dollars into Yen. You'll learn your times tables in song form that you will use until you're 23 & most important of all, you'll discover how to show others your photography and art. You'll take pictures with your polaroid camera and will bring them to show & tell. You'll conduct mini photography sessions near that huge tree in the kickball field during recess and people will pay you in double fudge bars and stickers. (Mama, will be a little mad at how fast your polaroid film goes, but you don't care, "its for class!"). You'll learn all about Jackson Pollock and will do one of your own murals for art week at school that will stay up until way after you graduate high school!  You will learn a lot of things, so don't be scared, be excited!
 
You know what else is exciting?
Moving into that new house right on Melinda Ave. perfectly placed on the curve, with the ideal driveway and backyard. You'll get your own room for THE FIRST TIME EVER and you'll get to choose whatever color to paint it. Of course you choose a baby blue, because HELLO, its the best color EVERRR! & one day when you get home from school you'll see how Mama completely remodeled it with all your favorite things and colors. Pastel blues, greens, and yellows will reign, butterflies and flowers will be sprinkled in different ways all around. That room will be your sanctuary, and rightfully so.
 
Fany, I know you like to be #1.
You like to be the best and the greatest. The best in grades, the best in the class, the winner in contests and all reading exams (you have a 12th grade reading level!) and you'll get used to it. You'll get used to people telling you that you're the best. Don't place all your value on it. There will be a few times when you won't be the best, when you'll be 2nd place, or when you won't win at all, and you know what?
 
That's okay.
 
That doesn't mean that you are any less of a person or that you are doing things wrong.
It doesn't mean that people don't like you or that you aren't doing a good job.
It just means that you won't always win. Sometimes you have to lose.
& this will be incredibly hard for you to understand.
 
Maybe the hardest thing you ever learn at this age.
 
Those times that you got beat at the spelling bee on the 2nd round or the time you didn't even make it into the finals for that art contest. That time when Mr. McCormick made someone else student of the month when you had been working really hard to make sure you got it. That time they didn't pick you to help them or were told by someone else that you were always a "teacher's pet" and needed to knock it off.
 
Those instances didn't make you any less of a girl. They didn't mean that you weren't good enough.
Be strong and be understanding. Don't get too hooked on what people think of you. Even though you're only 7, the sooner you learn this, the more pain you'll avoid as you grow up. Trust me.
 
Also trust me on:
Not rejecting those peanut butter sandwiches mom sneaks over the fence to you. You will be tempted to just take the juice box or coca cola, but don't. Take the sandwich!
 
Don't hang around that "Jack" kid from next door. He's mean and will make you cry.
 
You'll make "butter" by vigorously shaking baby bottles full of milk and salt, don't eat it, it's gross and probably unsanitary.
 
Instead of searching for 35 cents at a time for a bag of chips from the corner mini mart, just look for the full 2$ so you can buy them all at one time. You'll make about 6 trips in a span of an hour and half if you don't.
 
You'll be the ONLY kid (along with your sister) in the entire school that dresses in French Toast uniforms. You might be tempted to hate on them and be annoyed at mom for dressing you in this way, but ROCK IT GIRL. Own those maryjane shoes and pleated navy dresses and polos.
 
You'll get a crush on Rafa, the 10 year old kid from down the street. He's got cool light brown hair, knows how to do tricks on his bike, and has a smile that could make you melt. Don't get too caught up kiddo...you're 7. Focus on chalk and tag, not boys. (You end up seeing him again at 13 and make smores at a family bonfire, but he ends up getting married to a family friend's daughter and becomes some sort of drug dealer, uh uh, nope.)
 
NEVER STOP WATCHING ARTHUR, EVER. & Enjoy all those Zoom episodes because they'll eventually stop making them. (I know....I know.)
 
Don't get in front of that kid during the piñata breaking, they'll hit your back and you'll forever have back problems because of it.
 
Always remember how awesome you are. You are capable of so many things. Never stop dreaming. All of those things that you want to do, about helping the world, and traveling, and taking pictures you will do. Keep nurturing those passions, even if kids make fun of you. Don't ever stop dreaming.
 
EVER.
 
Be brave, be bold, be daring and be kind. Life will make sure to take you in the right path.
 
I love you little Fany. You are one amazing kid.
 
Love,
Your Future Self
 

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Habits

 


We've all heard that saying before, "You can't expect different results, if you keep doing the same things." Pretty self explanatory. One cannot achieve a different outcome if we keep practicing the same routine, keep doing the same process, or making the same decisions. I can tell you, on a honest and personal note (cause this is a personal blog after all) that I am the least disciplined person around. I start things and don't finish them, give up halfway through, and don't give the process a chance because my anxious self doesn't see immediate results. I've struggled with this for a while now, not fully grasping the root of why I can't follow through with something. Granted, motivation I have, ideas and plans overflow, action and passing the starting line is a-ok, it's just keeping the wheels moving that I have some trouble with. I've taken several personal development courses over the past year that were designated to help me with this very problem. Although they have greatly helped me in the areas of "coming out of my shell", "assertiveness", and "not giving a fuck what people think", I still have some struggles when it comes to actually following through with proposed plans. I must give myself some credit, I have become better at sticking through with my goals for a longer period of time, and putting them into action sooner rather than later. So what is the point of me writing this? That I have learned that it is habit that keeps you going.

Habits are everything.

Habits are the everyday decisions that one makes that determines the big pictures. Habits are the slight paint strokes on a canvas that lead to either a wonderful masterpiece or "full on Monet". Habits are the small steps that appear insignificant, but are actually the reason you get to where you get. It's not motivation, it's not willpower, it's habits. Habits powered by that willpower and motivation, established and done on a repeated basis.


I am excited to be starting this new exciting stage in my life where I will be dedicating myself, full force, to achieving a few goals that I've been wanting to do for some time. More than anything however, I am working on my overall discipline and consistency, to keep a habit ongoing and to pack down a routine, taking steps towards those things that I want to achieve. I'm putting myself on the record here, that I am giving my 100% to this new phase, being consistent and forward with everything I do.
 
 
HABITS, HABITS, HABITS. Not always a bad thing.
 
<3Stef