Friday, October 6, 2017

Different Kicks

You create a life that everyone wants, not realizing that you don't even want it for yourself.
and you continue to fit yourself in these molds that everyone built looking at everyone else this endless vicious cycle of dissatisfaction.
You keep denying who you really are, who you really are meant to be without ever realizing that
thats what people want, what people need.
Everyone just wants something authentic, trying to get rid of that dreaded asthenic


The ones that keep coming at you, surfacing at the thought of the newness in bed or the
conversation within.

or the simple fact that you are afraid if its really just him. or if its you.

and it grasps you, it takes hold of you, and doesn't let go. Like a newborn's grip, tightly.

stop looking back, theres nothing for you there. You're no longer that person, no longer those thoughts. Keep evolving, keep reading, immersing yourself in the vault of who you are.

and the stars that you see, maybe they are a mirage of what you want to be

be with you, be with the person who is right now who is in this moment.

Who are you?

says the lonely girl who just realized that everything is just an illusion of her own perception.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Flores en el Corazon

te sigo en mi despertar...solita en mi caminar, cercitas de ti.
como si fuera de años y de siglos pasados, de vidas vividas y cosmos lejanos
como si mi ser reconociera que anduvimos paseando el espacio sideral 
lentamente, sin pensar. cuidadosamente, sin quemar
con el fuego que arde sin control
dentro de mi

y quien diria que en esta vida te encontraria

como la flor del fruto que desprende al salir el sol
despues de una noche negra y obscura sin color
como los rayos de luz que me tocan por dentro, tejiendo tu esencia en mi historia por dentro
recordando del pacto que hicimos un tiempo, sin pensar que seria aqui.

y dejo que el abrazo de tu aroma me arrope en el aqui y ahora, sin negar mi sentir
porque es normal, es vivir. 

y dejo que las flores crezcan dentro de mi corazon. 
Las atiendo, las riego, les doy todo el amor.

Que te tengo a ti. 

- Esthefany Arochi

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Stream of Consciousness Pt. 1

Pictures from my 2014 NYC trip, where my parallel self is currently living.

Stream of Consciousness

I forgot how good it felt to transcribe these fleeting feelings onto this alternate web reality.


Because once the time passes and the moments stand solely as copies of memories. Transposed through the filters of what we decide makes us the happiest. 

Polished filters, finely strained. 

Because somehow the pain doesn't fit through the fine areas, you know it too well. 

I'm feeling nostalgic. Ha. Can you tell?

I have this weird obsession with time. It's like the thought and concept never leave my brain as if that in itself wasnt ironic. The way we age, the way we never fully leave a reality although it may seem like many are other. Parallel to each other, thriving simultaneously at all once. Not knowing wether the current one is truly the happiest one you could experience.

Or maybe it's not about happiness.

What if its for some other metaphysical abstract reason that could never be fully explain because it is too far out of our reach to be fully comprehended.

Like the music that is written by the greats as a form of personal expression yet is taken and molded into different heartbreaks and moments, that although not written by you, can be so perfectly descriptive in its melodies and words.

Or maybe its just a craving for your favorite cereal? Kind of like the one you would eat in the mornings when your parents all left to work and you had to find out what to eat for breakfast before the bus picked you up.

All while getting in your daily dose of Rocket Power. The show of course. 

Remember that show? Honesty hour. You didnt even really like that show, why did u pretend?

The human psyche has an incredible way of molding itself. I think thats why you pretended. Also you were 8.... so is it some kind of childhood rule?

We're getting too deep here, its scratching dirty shoelaces and elementary traumas.

Lunch plans
Post It Notes
The Weather

Any of these are good topics for light conversations, please refer whenever in need of numbing conversation, in which it will allow for your brain cells to rest. Great tip.

Lets get back to what matters. I'm going way off topic here....these posts can only have so much non-concrete ideas. Jesus.

My mind has been okay as of late. My body not so much.

I need to lose weight, my body feels it. The lack of energy uses and the vast amounts of it being stored. I'm having all sorts of energy reservoirs being maxed out and my body is feeling it. 

Wish it wasnt so freaking hot outside and maybe i could run in the afternoons, yet again, I've had all of Spring to do it and i didnt even bother. 

Also, i really need to stay on some kind of routine, some kind of everyday predictability so that i am used to something stable in my life. It's like my inner self rejects any kind of order. 

No, you wont become boring
No, it won't take you longer
No, it won't be detrimental for you

quite the contrary. Maybe some kind of order in your life will bring you an increased relaxation. The one achieved not through foreign substances but rather through the task of following through with your lists, making sure that your bills are paid on time, that you made ur bed, and that dinner can be made because you have all of the necessary ingredients in your pantry. 

Tragic Run-On, True statement.

Well i just got distracted with the dire need to watch 500 Days of Summer. So i'll end it here. 

My melancholy finds solace in it. 


Thursday, October 27, 2016

Estas Triste?

Thoughts before writing ANYTHING on this blog:

who cares if my writing is full of grammar mistakes and makes no sense?

who cares if i use run ons and forget to place proper punctuation in my sentences?

why am i so concerned about what people care? WHY DO I HAVE A PUBLIC BLOG?

I really have don't have the answers to those questions, I wish I did sometimes. I remember when I used to write carelessly without looking to if it made sense. Now that I am 24, writing is something that should be done well, or else future employers can look it up and see what a mess you did with the English language. At my age, people are out there writing legitimate articles and BOOKS, granted, these books may not be very good, but they're still writing stuff that is seen by millions. It's like I have all of these thoughts in my head and I don't know how to get them out, writing seems to help. Especially when I'm sad, oh how the writing flows when I am sad.

DRAMATIC MUCH? yes, its in my blood. I'm Latina, remember? We're known for that.

So now that I think of it why not talk about sadness. YES, lets talk about sadness. Why are we taught so often to shun sadness away from our life? Why are people so scared of it? It's not like it is a bad thing, on the contrary, sadness is so incredibly beautiful. Whether we like it or not, its a part of our emotional makeup and to not embrace it would be to reject a part of who we are. Society has this weird obsession with being happy, dedicating a whole industry to it. Self help-this, lets fix-that. Everything is about positive thoughts and happy thinking, I'm sort of starting to get a little tired of it. Am I depressed? No. Am I a misanthrope? Of course not. But to say that I never get sad would be utter and complete bullshit. EVERYONE gets sad and everyone experiences those aching feelings of heartache and misunderstanding. Does it hurt, yeah of course, but when I sulk in it, even if its just for a little bit, a part of me releases things that aren't meant to be stored within me. More than catharsis, feelings of sorrow, anxiety, and heartache are meant to be ever-flowing, moving consistently through us according the situations outside of us, just like happiness. Emotions are meant to be fleeting, temporary, staying for periods of time until the next emotion is ready to come on to us full force. Why are we taught to treat this emotion differently? Why shouldn't we feel it deep within us? Why should we instead look for ways on how to get rid of it, or cope with it, or reject it in its entirety?

Maybe it's because I'm currently sad.

Maybe it's because sulking in this sadness has allowed me to feel things i haven't felt in a while. Emotions you simply cannot feel when you're "happy". Write things you cannot write when you are "floating through the clouds in love". Sadness is so beautiful and so melancholy and so vital to our existence. Next time you feel it, dont tell it to go away. Embrace those uncomfortable tingles and let it pass just like any other emotion.

You'll feel better, I promise.

& if you're down to listen to some sad tunes and embrace your inner melancholic, here's my "suelta & siente" playlist. You're welcome.

- Stef

image via  Antonio Alfarroba

Monday, October 3, 2016

The attention span of a 15 year old scrolling through Instagram that deems a 30 second  BuzzfeedTasty recipe video, TOO LONG. THAT is where I'm at folks, at least my attention span that is.

Goddammit, where and when have I lost all sense of focus and direction!? I mean I am 24 years old for crying out loud, my attention span should not be that of a prepubescent teen whose complete childhood has revolved around technology products that start with a lowercase i. But nonetheless, here I am with 9 tabs open on my internet browser and google searches after every thought that pops into my mind. Hence this tangled mess of searches that went over a span of 10 minutes...

- Looking up "Upper Paleolithic" for school
     -Remembering I had a stray chin hair, so i googled that.
        -Wondered why we had hair in the first place, googled YT video on that
          -Had this video in my recommended feed featuring Nathan Kress from iCarly
            -Watched it, then realized I used to love iCarly so i googled that
              -Googled all the cast members and ended on a wedding video
                 -Remembered i want to plan a wedding so I googled a venue
                     - Had an ad appear for some flats which I proceeded to search for online
                         -Had a Hilary Clinton pop up message which then prompted me to look up the latest
                           Trump scandal...which then had me...
                             -Looking up Alicia Machado, stalk her twitter & IG
                               -Which for some reason sparked a thought in my brain regarding Univision
                                  -Which reminded me of "Despierta America"
                                     - Upper Paleolithic who?!
See what I mean?

I don't get it. I mean, is this a product of the day and age we live in? <---was that just me trying to blame my own lack of focus on "technology"? Either way, when there is no focus, nothing gets done. I'm noticing how I am a bouncing ball of intentions but no actions. My old friend procrastination is starting to look like a better acquaintance now. Which now that I think of, I should probably get back to researching Upper Paleolithic, I have an assignment due in 2 days and haven't started. AT ALL.

Guess my old friend really hasn't gone away too far after all huh? Ahhhh procrastination, you have never been so comforting.


Thursday, January 21, 2016

La Niña Reaparece

In my favoritest of places EVER. Zion National Park, UT. Observation Point Hike. 

I've been stuck in a writing rut. The kind that sticks and doesn't want to go away cause its too damn cold outside and the rest of the world seems like an empty shell for the hollowness that is everything else. The kind of writing rut that laser beams ideas and thoughts in brain space but when it's finally time to land them to reality they just don't ever seem that great. The kind of writing rut that is comfortable within the walls of a private journal but to afraid to show its face on the internet cause you know....criticism. Not that it matters anyways cause I really have no clue if anyone ever comes on here and reads these ramblings of mine that make no sense. Cause at the end of the day, it is my literal brain vomit spilling onto a keyboard converting itself into half ass sentences and thoughts to form what some might call a "blog post." But really guys, when did fear become so ubiquitous in me writing out my emotions and feelings and sharing it with the internet? Maybe its because I've met people over the course of this year that seem so smart and educated and their writing is so eloquent that it makes mine look like shit. For example, i have this professor friend, he is a composition GOD. DIOS i tell you. Ive read some of his things and damn, speechless. Or like my coworker slash friend who's proclamation writing flows smoother than the (vegan) butter i used on my toast this morning.

Oh yeah i'm vegan now. I mean, guys, i hate labels. I really do. Telling people I'm vegan sends a little shiver up my spine cause it places me in this metaphorical box that often associated with patchouli and rabbit food like lunches. But if you have to put a name on it, its Vegan, and its going pretty great. More on that later. Yeah?

So where were we? Oh yeah, my writing. I've you've read this blog long enough you would already know that punctuation is used sparingly, run-ons are frequent visitors (like that one guy at your local bar), and grammar is literally non existent. But you know what? I convince myself that it's okay because i want my "voice" to go through my writing, as if you were talking to a friend. Shitty excuse, yes I know, but whatever. Makes me sound like I know what I'm doing. So what now? Where to from here?

Well it's 2016 fam. We made it. Where the hell did 2015 even go? At the same time though 2015 felt like a fucking E-TER-NITY. It was a good year, a long year. A year of healing and reconnecting. One of expansion and commodity at the same time. I had really incredible and amazing things happen to me this year. I met people that taught me and have left a piece of who they are in my story. & of course I've had those moments where I just wanted to stop everything, give up, and cry at home while listening to Interpol. What will 2016 hold? Who knows. I've felt a little unmotivated the last few months, the cold tends to do that to me. All i know is the sun is peeking itself more frequently now and it makes me so happy. This was a pointless update, however, felt really therapeutic. I felt in my zone again. Writing rambles and thoughts for people to read if they feel like it. It's weird cause if you were to look at my edits, there are tons of unfinished essays and posts and pictures that i just dont ever finish or actually post. Pero no importa, el dia sigue y la vida es corta. A mi me hace feliz escribir y eso es lo que hare.

Gracias por siempre estar aqui. Por mandarme mensajes de vez en cuando. For sending me those tweets to update this forgotten paradise which i call my second home. I've come back and staying for good.


Thursday, August 13, 2015

Organize, Fight, Win

"Fast food workers in NY just won a $15/hr wage.
I’m a paramedic. My job requires a broad set of skills: interpersonal, medical, and technical skills, as well as the crucial skill of performing under pressure. I often make decisions on my own, in seconds, under chaotic circumstances, that impact people’s health and lives. I make $15/hr.
And these burger flippers think they deserve as much as me?
Good for them.
Look, if any job is going to take up someone’s life, it deserves a living wage. If a job exists and you have to hire someone to do it, they deserve a living wage. End of story. There’s a lot of talk going around my workplace along the lines of, “These guys with no education and no skills think they deserve as much as us? Fuck those guys.” And elsewhere on FB: “I’m a licensed electrician, I make $13/hr, fuck these burger flippers.”
And that’s exactly what the bosses want! They want us fighting over who has the bigger pile of crumbs so we don’t realize they made off with almost the whole damn cake. Why are you angry about fast food workers making two bucks more an hour when your CEO makes four hundred TIMES what you do? It’s in the bosses’ interests to keep your anger directed downward, at the poor people who are just trying to get by, like you, rather than at the rich assholes who consume almost everything we produce and give next to nothing for it.
My company, as they’re so fond of telling us in boosterish emails, cleared 1.3 billion dollars last year. They expect guys supporting families on 26-27k/year to applaud that. And that’s to say nothing of the techs and janitors and cashiers and bed pushers who make even less than us, but are as absolutely crucial to making a hospital work as the fucking CEO or the neurosurgeons. Can they pay us more? Absolutely. But why would they? No one’s making them.
The workers in NY *made* them. They fought for and won a living wage. So how incredibly petty and counterproductive is it to fuss that their pile of crumbs is bigger than ours? Put that energy elsewhere. Organize. Fight. Win. "

-Jens Rushing

Thursday, June 18, 2015

You Choose

You choose what you love, what you dedicate yourself to.
You can let others choose for you, but in the end you're still choosing.
Whether its something you wanted or not, is up to you.
So choose what makes you happy.
Give your whole heart to it, everything.
Don't stop, and don't let others tell you, you shouldn't.
Immerse yourself wholeheartedly and do not ever think that it's not possible.
Choose those things that make you smile.
The ones that fill your soul with greatness and humility.
The simple things
The complex things
Choose happiness Fany.
Choose light. BE light.
Because you can ALWAYS choose the good things.
& when there is no good to be chosen, BE the good.

Be everything you know you can be.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Tunnel Vision

that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come."
Gosh this couldn't be any closer to the truth. Every thing, circumstance, problem, person, situation prepares you for what is to come. As part of society, I firmly believe that we are constantly growing whether we go with it or not, whether we actively seek it or just let it happen naturally, we are always changing, transforming.
I'm so in love with change, with the evolution of the soul and the effervescence of self discovery. It's like this warp that sucks you in and fills your lungs of such vivacity that you slowly start to realize you cannot live without it.
& when things come at you, like they've been coming at me for the past couple of months, things start piecing together, like parts of a puzzle. Things start to make sense and you get that "AHA!" moment with a slight smirk because you realize that things had to happen the way they did.
Am I losing you yet?
Lets put it this go through something really hard, difficult, confusing, frustrating, that at the moment you are going through it, it makes no sense as to why this horrible or confusing this is happening to you. It doesn't make sense how of  ALL people, YOU are the one having to feel so alone, confused, sad, angry, stressed out, ect. You thought you were doing everything right, and BAM this happens out of nowhere. You feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel sorta thing and you slowly start to give up hope that things will ever be better.
Cause you know what? That feeling, of emptiness, of sadness, of frustration and utterless confusion, it will go away. It will pass, it will serve its purpose even if it at the moment it's not that way.
& as time goes by I realize and can testify to this more and more. It's true...everything that happens, every single thing is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come. A moment that you don't see coming, but when it does you will understand in all its glory that it was it. THAT WAS YOUR MOMENT. Whether it was a second chance or a way to mentally prepare yourself for said situation, all of that darkness is suddenly transformed into light and you realize that all of which you went through really wasn't in vain.
Example; I messed up real bad with a certain REALLY bad. I constantly beat myself over it pondering on the "what ifs" and "if I wouldn't have". I found myself wondering what could have happened if I simply didn't mess it up as bad as I did. Then some time later, a similar situation came back into my life, and almost the exact same thing started to unfold. (It was pretty crazy actually) However, since I had experienced what it was to take the other route and what could happen I I knew what NOT to do. & gosh was that amazing. That feeling of knowing that the darkness I went through had to happen so I could appreciate THIS moment.
IT was so glorious. So DAMN GLORIOUS.
Because I realized I had to lose THAT friend to appreciate THIS friend. That the other person was sort of an offering for this other one, in a morbid kind of way.
And countless other examples that just leave me in awe. Leave me thinking,
"I get it...I totally get it. & knowing I had to go through what I went through good & bad to get to this point...and it's all so worth it."
So don't take for granted those dark times.
Without dark times we cannot appreciate the days full of light.
Don't take for granted the process.
For without the process we cannot appreciate the end result.
Enjoy them, even if you find yourself amidst a puddle of confusion and salty tears.
Because one day it will be just a memory and it will be what propels you to a better tomorrow.
Unless you like the darkness and prefer to be lazy and stay there or are an idiot and don't learn from mistakes and past situations...there is no help in that. & that's up to oneself too.
but not before you listen to has that good feel effect. Lyrics are cool too.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015


Thoughts I wrote about the way a song makes me feel. Words that only really make sense to me.  Written as I listened to it, letting the nostalgia seep deep into my soul.

Self destroy or self discovery?
Not really sure.
I tend to discover myself in the pit of nostalgia and I'm not certain why.
When I listen to it my heart wrenches and is transported to the tears of another world.
I feel like it wasn't even real, it was all so surreal.
Images of those come to mind and I question the reality of events.
My body tingles and my body resists giving in because It knows the emptiness that lies before.
& it fades in the everlonging of the "what if."
& I play it again.
Self destroy or self discovery?
Coming to terms, accepting.. way past that point.
Knowing only what I know, memories of streets and faded stares of infinity.
Giving me only what I know, like a psychedelic high, a dream which at one point was.
Words that flowed like honey onto the surface of my skin.
Lamp posts that shone with the sunrise and the feeling of no tomorrow.
There was only the warp of your voice and your hands that seemed to intertwine with my mind.
The comfort of knowing that one day it would all go away
Dreading the day in which the fickle feeling would find another home.
Living in what is, a dark shining memory you shall be, my blood wondering if we'll ever meet again.
Bricks and skylines and everything else we said was ours.
Embraces and strands of long everlasting hours.

It fades. It fades. fades. fades. fades.